i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
