you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
