If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
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