fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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