he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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