my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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