when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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