He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She bit a glass in half.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
