I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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