Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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