She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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