Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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