This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
