DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
