I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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