You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
