You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
