Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Do you still have your period?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
