You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize