I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
