my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
