Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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