I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
