i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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