Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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