I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
