Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
