im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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