I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
