dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
