It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
