have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
