I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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