she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
time to smoke my breakfast
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
