yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
