why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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