he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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