I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
