do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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