I think scott just propositioned me for sex
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
no, he came in my armpit
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
