just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
