I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
