he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
