Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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