farters have to be the big spoon...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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