Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
