If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
