So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
