booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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