so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
