i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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