Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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