i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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