we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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