did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
