Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
