i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
