you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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