How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
