her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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