I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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