Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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