Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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